There is a battle for America’s behinds.
If only more news articles started that way.
It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for “soft” (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective). It’s a menace, environmental groups say—and a dark-comedy example of American excess.
It gets better. Allen Hershkowitz, senior scientist with the Natural Resources Defense Council:
We don’t need old-growth forests . . . to wipe our behinds.
Plus this on toilet paper manufacturing:
The reason for this fight lies in toilet-paper engineering. Each sheet is a web of wood fibers, and fibers from old trees are longer, which produces a smoother and more supple web. Fibers made from recycled paper—in this case magazines, newspapers or computer printouts—are shorter. The web often is rougher.
And then this piece wisdom, from Tim Spring, “chief executive of Marcal Manufacturing, a New Jersey paper maker that is trying to persuade customers to try 100 percent recycled paper”:
Strength of toilet paper is more important [than softness], for obvious reasons. If the paper breaks during your use of toilet paper, obviously, that’s very, very important.
Indeed.
The article is here.
[Hat tip to Serena Wille.]
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In The Lazlo Letters by Lazlo Toth (a nom de plume of Don Novello), Toth wrote a letter to Jimmy Carter in the middle of the energy crisis offering up a series of energy saving tips.
My favorite Toth suggestion for saving energy has always been the “toilet cloth.”
We just need to embrace the bidet. Or more specifically, the spraying device that you can build into the toilet or toilet seat.
I’m the first person on my paternal side to grow up on toilet paper. The last two generations got by on newspapers ‘n’ such, which I’ve used on occasions when necessity demands it. It works fine. My though is that just because a newsroom shuts down doesn’t mean the paper rollers have to stop. Hell, the same blank newspapers could be sold in the same metal boxes on the sidewalk. Even the terminology could remain the same. “Honey, can you grab the paper on your way home?” etc.
Seinfeld’s George Costanza used the history of toilet paper to impress his dates. Jerry suggested a toilet paper museum – NOT!
All I can say is . . . until I got to the “Posted by…” note at the end, I just assumed had been posted by Lee.
This examines both “sides” of this (t)issue.
“Strength of toilet paper is more important [than softness], for obvious reasons.”
I’m going to go ahead and point out that that’s a very male perspective on the issue.
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